Joke Sharing

[LWM]

Blind Bass Pro Shop Salesperson

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

[LWM]

What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harryto the principal's office.

While Harry waited inthe outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed..

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the sixth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

[sean112280]

Those are pretty funny!

[LWM]

Retired Husband shopping antics

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target..

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

[LWM]

Stupid State Laws:

Mohave County AZ - A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Bexley, OH - Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

San Francisco, CA - Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.

New Orleans, LA - It is illegal for a woman to drive a car on Main St. unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

In Alabama, you cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.

Kennesaw, Georgia - Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. (this one isn't stupid just rare)

Dayton Beach, Florida - The molestation of trash cans is banned.

Rhode Island - Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.

North Carolina - You can beat your wife but only on Sunday morning on the court house steps.

Tempe AZ - It is illegal to eat grass where sheep or cows are grazing.

Arizona - Donkeys cannot sleep in a bathtub

Nebraska - it is illegal to go whale fishing.

[XK N00b]

Stupid State Laws:


Rhode Island - Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.


Not sure how many marriages there are to which this applies, but it seems to me at least one party to almost every divorce is either an idiot or lunatic.

[cico7]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).





ATD: At The Doctors

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Seniors Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

LMGA: Lost my glasses again

[cico7]

you should be happy to know that "Bexley, OH - Ordinance number 223" is no longer enforced....
Prostitution 666.1 is.

[The_War_Wagon]

Did you know... there are ONLY 2 Jeep jokes in the whole world? :confused:




















All the rest are TRUE stories... ;)

[cico7]

Mary had a little lamb,
She fed it castor oil.
Everywhere the little lamb went,
It fertilized the soil.