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Thread: Joke Sharing

  1. #1
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    Joke Sharing

    Blind Bass Pro Shop Salesperson

    A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

    He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

    She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

    He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

  2. #2
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    What Starts with F and ends with K?

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harryto the principal's office.

    While Harry waited inthe outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed..

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the sixth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'
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    Senior Member Getting Dirty sean112280's Avatar
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    Those are pretty funny!

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    Retired Husband shopping antics

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
    Target..

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
    in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
    to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
    store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
    you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
    listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
    people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
    'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
    leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
    in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
    costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
    layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
    shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
    the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
    screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
    mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
    the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
    ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
    using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
    yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
    a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
    yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
    clerks passed out.
    2006 XK Limited, 5.7L Hemi
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    Stupid State Laws:

    Mohave County AZ - A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

    Bexley, OH - Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

    San Francisco, CA - Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.

    New Orleans, LA - It is illegal for a woman to drive a car on Main St. unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

    In Alabama, you cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.

    Kennesaw, Georgia - Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. (this one isn't stupid just rare)

    Dayton Beach, Florida - The molestation of trash cans is banned.

    Rhode Island - Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.

    North Carolina - You can beat your wife but only on Sunday morning on the court house steps.

    Tempe AZ - It is illegal to eat grass where sheep or cows are grazing.

    Arizona - Donkeys cannot sleep in a bathtub

    Nebraska - it is illegal to go whale fishing.
    2006 XK Limited, 5.7L Hemi
    Dark Khaki, QDII, Rocky Road 2.25" lift, Steel Armadillo front bumper with Warn PowerPlant winch, Steel Armadillo rear bumper w/ tire carrier, Rock Sliders, Light Bar & Front Fender Tube Fenders, 4xGuard belly skid plate & rear differential guard, BFG M/T A/T 255/75R17s on Rubicon rims, Spidertrax 1.5 inch wheel spacers, Rhino Rack Pioneer Tray with FoxWing Awning, Superchips VIVID Programmer, Air Flow snorkel, Steel Armadillo Secure Console, Cobra CB Radio, Lock Pick Video Programmer, ASFIR Skid Plates.

    Knappster's Garage


    Profile for Knappsters

    AKA: the Owner of The Steel Armadillo L.L.C.

  6. #6
    Lifetime Member Getting Dirty XK N00b's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knappster View Post
    Stupid State Laws:


    Rhode Island - Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.

    Not sure how many marriages there are to which this applies, but it seems to me at least one party to almost every divorce is either an idiot or lunatic.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member Getting Dirty cico7's Avatar
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    For Senior Texting...........

    Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).





    ATD: At The Doctors

    BFF: Best Friend Fainted

    BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

    BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

    CBM: Covered By Medicare

    CUATSC: See You At The Seniors Center

    DWI: Driving While Incontinent

    FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

    FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

    FYI: Found Your Insulin

    GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

    GHA: Got Heartburn Again

    HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

    IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

    LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

    OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

    ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

    TTYL: Talk To You Louder

    WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

    WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

    WTP: Where's The Prunes?

    WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

    LMGA: Lost my glasses again

  8. #8
    Senior Member Getting Dirty cico7's Avatar
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    you should be happy to know that "Bexley, OH - Ordinance number 223" is no longer enforced....
    Prostitution 666.1 is.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Getting Dirty The_War_Wagon's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    Did you know... there are ONLY 2 Jeep jokes in the whole world?




















    All the rest are TRUE stories...
    '07 Jeep Commander, Rocky Mountain Edition - 287 V-8 - Superchipped - aFe Stage II R-5A CAI - Flowmaster Super 44 - 2" Daystar lift - Spidertrax spacers - 32x10.5x17 Cooper A/T's - Fastman throttlebody - Skyjacker 8000 shocks

  10. #10
    Senior Member Getting Dirty cico7's Avatar
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    Mary had a little lamb,
    She fed it castor oil.
    Everywhere the little lamb went,
    It fertilized the soil.
    Last edited by cico7; 12-14-2011 at 09:12 AM. Reason: Everywhere the little lamb went,

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